The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it!

I recently have felt like I was maybe alone on my journey here on earth. This thought seems so silly because I have 6 kids. I should be feeling more like "when can I be alone?" My husband goes out of town a lot! He is in town for 2 weeks and he leaves on the third week form Monday until thursday night. He also has quarterly meeting which usually last a few days. He is a trainer so every so often he has to go out of town for the entire week to train some one. He has had to go to training meetings out of town as well. So this last month he was gone 3 nights, home 2, gone 5 nights home 2, then his boss was in town for the next week (which seems like he may as well be gone) Plus he is stressed and ignores everyone as he is scrambling to prepare. Then he was gone again for another week. I can say the few days home in-between leaving again were far from quality time.
It was the last week that I found myself questioning everything about this man I am married to. I want to feel loved and missed. I want to occupy his mind. I want him to ravish me when he walks in the door.
NOW....I am not complaining or talking negative about the poor man. I am about to tell you that I am an idiot and chances are if you are a woman you have the same tendencies to feel the same way regardless of weather your husband travels or not.
I am a stay at home mom. My husband goes out of his way most of the time to get me anything I want. He makes sure I have what I need and that I am taken care of. My husband works full time, I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in sick on one hand since we have been married. (ten years) He works so hard and is so eager to please his boss and co workers. He is usually on the top as far as sales goes at work. Me....I stay home all day, I cook all the meals, clean, help kids with homework, laundry. It is a rare occasion that I ask Matt to help with anything around the house. I even mow the lawn and help with the house hold repairs that I can do. I just want him to love me. The hang up is...I want him to love me in ways I don't love him and in ways he does not know how to love me. This is where "the Grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it" comes in.
I can not tell you the last time Matt walked in the door and I walked up to him and kissed him or gave him a warm welcome. He usually walks in the house gets ignored and then gets showered with how horrible the kids were that day. I think the wall goes up about then and stays up. He immerses himself in work stuff or other interests on line. I watch him smile at emails even laugh out loud to them. He will take a phone call and his tone will be so happy but with me I get the cold tone. I think day to day that I do not deserve this. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to give me undivided attention. He gets credit all day for being great at work, I get nothing. I wants some credit. I want him to tell me I am beautiful and I want to hear how grateful he is to have married me. I never once stopped to think. "Am I emotionally giving anything to Matt to deserve to hear those things"?
I came to the horrible realization that I was asking something of Matt that I could not give myself. I was only doing my part. I wanted the greener grass but I was not even watering mine. I was doing what I had to do so my house was clean and in order and that was it. So I sit and think about the greener grass and want it so badly while the entire time all I had to do was water mine. I talked to Matt and took blame for the emotions gone wrong in our relationship. I have made the efforts to say things and do things I want him to say or do to me and guess what? That grass I was checking out was no different than what I had. He is like a changed man over night, the funny thing about that is....I am the only one who changed anything. I don't tell him all the kids mishaps that happened while he was gone. I have made efforts to compliment him and to let him know I appreciate his hard work so I can stay home with the kids. He is looking at me with more love in his eyes. He is giving me more attention instead of shutting me out and he says little things to let me know he appreciates my work as well.
I would not have come to this realization without the help of a book called The Proper Care And Feeding Of A Husband By Dr Laura. I also read a couple others but for any of you who have read this and are struggling in any way in your marriage check that book out or look at what you are doing and what you are expecting in return.