A Shine Of Rainbows!

            I recently rented this movie called A Shine Of Rainbows for my kids to watch.  The girls picked it out. It was rated PG so I got it. I never read what it was about.  The evening did not go as planned and it ended up just being Kyle and Belle as far as kids being home.  So around 9:00pm I told them to go lay in my bed and watch the movie so Matt and I could watch our shows.
          
            I am going to go back to September 11th 2006. I was sitting on my couch and my phone rang. I remember this because I felt like crap. I had just been put on metformin and it was making me so dizzy and nauseated.  It was a case worker from the state.  She had just picked up a little boy who needed a place to stay. I had worked with the State in teaching parenting skills to mothers who had none.  The state worker explained that she thought I would be the best placement for Kyle because I knew how manipulative his mother could be. O...and I did. She was a major drug addict, she was a thief and she would do anything for her next fix or peace and quiet while she got her next fix...Including giving her little one snuff. It calmed him but it was also very entertaining to her and her friends to watch him roll around high.
             I told the case worker I would take him.  She explained that he had no belongings except for the clothes on his back, his current diaper and his blanket.  The next few hours was a mad rush to get his room ready and buy the things a 2 and a half year old boy would need.  I remember thinking to myself all through the day. September 11th ...This is a date to never forget.  Part of me was scared thinking of the horrible events that had happened a few years back that were still so fresh in my mind.  "this is a bad sign, I feel horrible, the date, I have a messed up kid coming to live with me, what am I thinking"?  A few months ago I had told my husband I was done with foster care. My oldest daughter had spent 2 months in the hospital. The last placement we had was very stressful and I needed to focus on my kids.  My husband said he felt very strongly that we stick with it. To be honest I was irate. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I had nothing left to give.
             I had this dream a few times that I was in a black void and I was reaching to this little boy and he was reaching for me. I could feel the eminence love we had for each other.  I always woke before I could touch him and it would leave me feeling a need or a longing for him.  I had the dream maybe 3 times always the exact thing with the exact feelings.  So there was a part of me that wondered if it was a sign that I had a son out there some where. (after the twins I could not have any more, so I knew it was not a birth child) I also wondered if the reason I could never get to him no matter how bad I wanted to was because I had my tubes tied and gave up the chance for more.

              Kyle came in to my home late afternoon on September 11th 2006. He was a  Broken 2 year old. He had diaper rash clear down to his ankles.  He was dirty and smelled of a life time of cigarette smoke had been soaked into him. He was very scared and shy.  I was a little taken back when he called me mom that very night when asking for a drink. A part of me thought "o..wow he has taken a liking to me" NOPE...I soon found out that he called everyone mom any time he wanted some thing. Kyle's definition of "MOM"   A Mom is name you call someone when you want them to get you something. This person can be male or female...they just have to be taller than you. It can also be a complete stranger as long as you are brave enough to ask them.  


             This entire chapter of my life could take days to write. So I am going to skip to the point here.


             I struggled with Kyle. He was in survival mode for a really long time. He also had visits with his bio mom for a year after we got him. This was very hard on him and me. There were days that I thought he would do better in someone Else's home. I thought maybe he needed some one softer with more time to focus just on him. In the beginning when he would get in trouble for some thing he would ask me "are you going to throw me away too"?  I came to the conclusion that this is how he felt when he got put in my home. I thought maybe without other siblings to beat on he would get in less trouble. I knew they were going to be asking me to adopt him soon as the state only gives a bio mom 12 to 18 months to prove themselves fit and get their kids back.  So if I was going to send him to a better home I needed to do it NOW.  My reaction frustration " KYLE...Leave your shoes on!...What are you doing"?  His voice more soft and tender than I remember it ever being "Mom...I am giving my socks to Belle so her feet won't be so cold" I don't know why it took me so long to see or feel it, but this was him! He was the boy in my dream. We finally touched! 
            We ended up adopting Kyle and had him sealed to our family. I am not going to lie. He was hard. He still can be. I have had to stay very firm and consistent with him.  I still have days that I question my ability to be his mother, but I guess I do that with my other kids also.  My husband and I allowed visits with his bio mom for a couple years as we knew how much Kyle missed and loved her. Although he never called her mom, I always felt like I would never truly be what she was to him. I would raise him and take care of him and I would be mom but Georgia (her name) would be the rest of the worlds definition of mom to him.  He has not seen his Georgia in almost 2 years now and seems to have forgotten about her in his mind. He will ask me about being in my tummy or about when he was a baby. I still had the thoughts that his heart was with Georgia. I would think I wish I had that bond that a mother gets when she gives birth to a baby. It binds you forever and no matter what the kids does you never question why you gave birth to them.

Adoption day

          K...My point! The movie.  About 10:30 Belle and Kyle come back down stairs. Belle says "mom that was so weird, Kyle was so quiet just watching the movie and all the sudden he started to cry...Well not cry like out loud, but I looked over at him and water was coming down his cheeks out of his eye" So I look to Kyle. He is looking at me with this deep sadness and longing. His bottom lip is quivering. His eyes are all red from crying. I ask him if he was crying. At first he says NO...Then he starts to cry again. I ask him what is wrong. He is just looking at me, so I lift him unto my lap and look him in the face and ask again.  He is so upset that he can barely get the words out..."mom...I just don't want you to ever die... I would not want to live my life without you" SOB, SOB...  I say "I don't know where that came from but I am not going anywhere"   He says  " even when I am old...I will still need you!"  Then He says "the movie was about a boy who had one mom who went away and then he got a new one and she was the best thing in his life to him and then she died"  Kyle was mentally born to me right then!  That feeling of unconditional love that I could never seem to feel, even though I knew he was where he belonged.   Funny that I needed his heart just as much as he needed mine!




             I read the back of the movie and this is what it said  "A lonely orphan's life is transformed by an extraordinary woman who teaches him to conquer grief and discover the magic in nature and himself.  "  I would not call myself by any definition extraordinary.  It humbles me to step away from my self and see what Kyle See's in me that I can not. 

My goofy son!

            I don't know if I would have let him watch it if I would have read the back to begin with, and I felt bad that I was not there to watch it with him, but it changed our hearts forever.  It was an answer to my prayers... that one day I would be what this boy needed and that is... "I already am"  

            I feel like my kids (my family) are my shine of rainbows. Each one of them  shine a different color and add to its beauty.  Each one color just as bright as the one next to it.  We have cloudy moments but when the sun is shining through and we are all together "what a thing of beauty"

The day we were sealed